I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
