I can text with my tongue
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Randomize
