I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i dont even know how to be here
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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