I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
