i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
