I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
