Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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