how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
