Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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