I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My balls are so social today.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
