at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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