I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize