I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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