i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
