$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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