I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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