but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize