Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize