I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm passing your future prison.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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