I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
