Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
