Please, let me fuck your mom
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
