I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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