i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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