I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
