Can i not drive my cunt home
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
