I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
