woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
false alarm, still single
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
