peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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