Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I want to have your abortion
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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