I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
