Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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