my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
