yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
