My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
