Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
