well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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