I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
