____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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