Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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