Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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