I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
