So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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