I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
