if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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