Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
