everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
