walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
