her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
