Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize