see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
