All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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