My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
