did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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