So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
