I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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