two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
